Dr Who Rants: Into (the) Dalek

HELLO INTERNEST

I am moved once again to rant about the BBC 1 Stephen Moffat Variety Hour*

(*Trademark Me)

TODAY'S EPISODE: INTO DARKNESS

SORRY

INTO DALEK.

To be fair,

And, unlike similarly insidey episode 'Journey to the centre of the tardis'.

And despite the name.

I did not guess/get spoiled the basic plot points of this episode.

WHICH WAS VERY GOOD BECAUSE.

It meant that the groovy/exciting pre-credits moment when Capalditor first faces a dalek

A key moment in any doctor's development

(ref)

(11 also did a good one but I couldn't find)

And the moment when the potentially-awesome-although-I'm-not-completely-sure-they-did-the-concept-justice plotline for this episode became clear

WERE THE SAME MOMENT.

SO WELL DONE THE DR WHO MARKETING TEAM THERE.

SLASH WELL DONE ME FOR AVOIDING SPOLIERS.

I DON'T KNOW.

BUT

BEFORE ALL THAT CAN HAPPEN.

ZAWE ASHTON

WHO I SHALL HENCEFORTH REFER TO AS 'VOD'

HAS TO ESCAPE SOME DALEKY LASERS

Pause to consider how rubbish the dalek lasers must be

If she can have been hit and still be flying and her brother potentially nondead.

Although SPOILERS that situation is not going to last long.

So Vod explodes and dies.

BUT THEN NOT in what appears to be becoming a recurring theme of the series

#SPOLIERS

Capalditor looks at her with a face like oh my god I can't even that face SURELY a highlight of 9 years of revival who.

Vod is a bit angry, probably understandable in the circumstances, but don't worry, because we'll RETURN TO THAT LATER.

Dialouge, things happen, and we're back to where you started.

The new titles, which I forgot to mention last week,

Are ok, but personally, I don't see why they have to keep changing them.

Like, I don't see any sort of general improvement since the series 1 ones.

There's then an extended sequence in the life of Clara.

THIS SEQUENCE REALLY ANNOYED ME FOR SOME REASONS.

FIRST.

I HAVE SEEN 'EDUCATING ESSEX'  AND ALL THE SEQUELS.

SO I KNOW WHAT A SCHOOL IS LIKE.

(also I went to a school)

(that is a thing I did in my life)

YES.

SCHOOLS ARE NOT LIKE THAT.

TEACHERS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SPONTANEOUSLY CRY WHEN ASKED ABOUT THEIR DIFFICULT PAST

THIS IS LAZY, LAZY CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, MOFFAT.

FIRST AND A HALF-LY

'PINK' IS A REDICULOS SURNAME.

THAT WOULD BE WHAT THE KIDS WOULD TEASE HIM FOR

SECONDLY, THE THING WHERE HE TALKS TO HIMSELF AND CLARA NOTICES.

*THIS*

*NEVER*

*HAPPENS*

*IN REAL LIFE*

DOCTOR WHO IS ALLOWED TO BREAK THE RULES OF 'REAL LIFE' BUT NOT IN THE SCENES WHICH ARE DOCTOR-FREE BACKGROUND CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT.

FOR A GUIDE ON HOW TO DO THIS WELL, SEE

*EVERY*

*FUCKING*

*SEREIS*

*RTD WROTE*

LIKE, COULD YOU IMAGINE A SEQUENCE LIKE THAT HAPPENING WITH ROSE OR MARTHA?

COULD YOU HELL.

LAZY, LAZY, LAZY WAYS TO GET US EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED,

VIA CHEAP, LARGER-THAN-LIFE PLOT OCCURUNCES.

ARE ALLOWED WHEN THE DOCTOR IS PRESENT (eg, the beginning of series 5)

BUT *HORRENDOUS* WHEN IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE 'REAL LIFE'.

Similarly, the following 'am I a good man?' thing

Felt a *little* insincere,

like they had just written it in to go in the adverts,

but I think only because it was in all the adverts.

So what can you do?

We progress then, to the episode proper,

which I would like to credit for exploring the issue of Dalek morality,

albeit in Moffat style

ie: 'with no subtlety'

many of the scenes in this episode reminded me of scenes from the series 1 episode 'Dalek'.

'Dalek' was an outstanding epsiode, and there are a number of comparisons to make.

The first, is that in 'Dalek', the episode was mostly just the Dalek marauding its way through hordes of quite tough looking guards.

THIS SEEMS SHALLOW but

it served a very important purpose of *establishing that daleks are fucking scary*

and that's important to note, because we, the dr who audience are very forgetful,

so we need plenty of carnage when daleks arrive, to remind us they are bloody dangerous things,

And, to be fair, not quite as much as in 'Dalek', but 'Into Dalek' saw a reasonable share of carnage.

OK

WELL DONE

GOOD.

Now, the endless banging on about whether you can have a 'good Dalek'

Got a bit samey, and were very Moffatish, and allowed once again for this to happen

BUT it was a dalek episode in which Daleks were the enemys

and Daleks were scary

and they were scary because, they're,

you know

horrendous murder machines

so, actually

SOME CREDIT THERE

But I think we should pause here, because there's one other bit of deja-dr-who-vu,

in the whole, go-off-on-adventure-inside-thing-after-being-minaturised category,

I am of course refering to the episode inside the tessalector

Which existed mainly to help in answering the tricky existential conundrum

'If an archeologist is originally a dick but comes around, so is then forced to be a dick by a robot suit that looks like a spacesuit hidden in a lake in the sixties, how do you stop a timelord regenerating but not actually kill him?'

So D- to Moffat for originality there,

But also

pretty much the only good thing about that episode

were the smarmy death robots who lived in that 'regular sized but with tiny people inside' adventure environment

who coined the magnificent phrase

'you will experience a tingling sensation and then death'

so,

although I do concede that

if they had reused them it would have made

LESS SENSE THAN ALL OF SEREIES 6

we did have BASICALLY THE SAME MONSTER flying around in today's episode.

It would have been awesome

Now, before continuing, we will introduce a new feature in this rant,

called:

12th Doctor: bit of a dick?

HERE'S TODAY'S MOMENT:

AND IT'S NOT EVEN WHEN HE KILLS THAT GUY BY GETTING HIM TO EAT A BIT OF DALEK IN FRONT OF THE ANTIBODIES

#HILARIOUS

When the doctor is in the Dalek,

and he stubbles across the radiation in the room that looks for all the world like a giant battery pack

AND WITHOUT PAUSING TO THINK,

BUT FUTHER

(as it later turns out)

WITH A CONSIDERABLE HUNCH AS TO WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN

Proceeds to fix the (ahem)

CRACK THAT DOESN'T LOOK ANYTHING, *ANYTHING* LIKE THE CRACK FROM SERIES 5 BECAUSE IT'S VERTICAL NOT HORIZONTAL

BOOM STORYTELLING

but anyway

WITHOUT PAUSING TO CONSIDER WHETHER HIS ACTIONS WILL TURN THE DALEK EVIL AND SHOOTY

WHETHER THERE COULD BE A BETTER ORDER IN WHICH TO DO THINGS

EG: FIX THE MEMORY ROOM PLACE THEY LATER RETURN TO

FACE THE DALEK HEAD-ON

BEFORE TURNING ON IT'S MAIN WEAPON

WITHOUT PAUSING TO CONSIDER THAT

SLASH POSSIBLY (DEFINETLY) WITH PAUSING TO CONSIDER THAT

DECIDING AGAINST IT BECAUSE IT WOULD BE TOO EASY/

#YOLO/

#YOL12+TIMES

The doctor fixes the crack and the dalek goes shootyvile.

#TOTALLY DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING

#YES I KNOW HASHTAGS DON'T HAVE SPACES

This results in the deaths of countless random rebel security members.

And generally is seen as a bad outcome.

So, in conclusion:

12th Doctor: Bit of a dick?

Now, finally, I will consider

THE EMOTIONAL CLIMAXE OF THE EPISODE

A moment that has moved me more than anything in DW for quite some time

And which moved me to rant today.

We will consider

THE REJECTION OF ZAWE ASHTON.

So you are aware of the build-up to this.

First, Zawe Ashton is not cast as the 12th doctor,

In a move, already described at the time

by me, as

'shockingly bad'

BUT THEN,

Good news, she appears in this episode

In a character I'm going to describe as 'pretty fucking badass'

Like, let's summarise her key achievements:

-Has brother blown up. Gets over it.

-Threatens the doctor, just sort-of because.

-Makes sarcastic comment about death of brother, because badass

-Despite everything, IMMEDIATELY joins in on this COMPLETELY RANDOM mission into the dalek,

presumably because she just feels like it

-She then proceeds to,

and I'd like to point this out because

IT WILL TURN OUT TO BE IMPORTANT

CARE, ABOUT 70 SQUILLION PERCENT MORE

THAN THE DOCTOR,

FOR THE WELLBEING OF ROSS

WHEN THE DOCTOR KILLS ROSS

AND THEN THREATEN THE DOCTOR AGAIN,

FOR THE OFFENCE OF...

BEING TOO BLOODY CAVALIER ABOUT ROSS'S DEATH.

-Be the only one to offer a workable solution when the dalek goes all evil.

and then

(because this is also fucking important)

HAVE THE HUMILITY/LEVEL-HEADDEDNESS NOT TO USE IT, WHEN THE DOCTOR SAYS HE CAN DO BETTER.

Seriously in this one episode Vod has already arguably eclipsed a season of Clara in terms of usefulness.

Also:

-Holds off the antibodies while clara presses some buttons.

So then.

The scene is set.

The episode is complete.

The daleks are kept at bay.

And in Moffat-era DW, that's enough for the episode to be over.

BUT WHAT'S THIS?

VOD IS KISSING HER UNCLE GOODBYE?

(Funfact: Vod's uncle played by Ian from bakeoff)

PAUSE FOR MOMENT OF REALISATION...

WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

YES!

INCREDIBLE REBEL ALLIANCE BADASS NINJA WOMAN ZAWE ASHTON IS GOING TO BE IN MORE EPISODES!

*THE TUMBLER MELTSDOWN*

*THIS REVIEWER TEARS UP*

COULD IT BE?

COULD IT BE?

AND YES, SURE ENOUGH,

THERE SHE IS, OUTSIDE THE TARDIS

HOW EXCITING IS THE REST OF SERIES 8 LOOKING,

WITH ZANE-LOWE AS THE NEW,

NO-NONSCENSE,

GENERALLY KICKASS,

PROVIDING A MORAL YIN TO THE DOCTOR'S YANG

SECOND COMPANION.

IT IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

NO.

IT IS, LITERALLY TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

LITERALLY.

SORRY FOLKS.

BUT THE DOCTOR HAS MORAL RESERVATIONS.

THIS DOCTOR, THE SAME ONE WHO BROUGHT ALONG JACK SPARROW

HARKNESS

NO ZAWE ASHTON.

THE TUMBLER REMELTDOWNS

THIS REVIEWER LITERALLY WAILS

EVERYONE FEELS VERY SAD

EXCEPT ZAWE WHO JUST STANDS THERE AND TAKES IT

LIKE A FUCKING BADASS.

*sigh*

We will now consider, and,

by consider, I obviously mean dispute

this particular choice of CapaldiDoctor.

But, first, let me assert my impartiality.

BECAUSE I WISH TO MAKE CLEAR,

I AM NOT DISPUTING THIS DESCISION BECAUSE IT UPSET ME.

DR WHO IS ALLOWED TO BE UPSETTING,

and, actually, i think reducing the amount of

'feelgood'

could be an interesting direction that moffat & co. may explore

if they're serious about making dw 'darker again'

No,

I AM REFUTING THIS DESCISION, BECAUSE I THINK IT IS REDICULOS,

NASTY,

UNCHARACTERISTIC,

AND BASED ON POOR EVIDENCE + HYPOCRACY.

MY PERSONAL FEELING TOWARD THE DESCISION,

WILL NOT INFLUENCE MY JUDGEMENT,

ALTHOUGH

IT MAY INFLUENCE MY TONE.

*WE BEGIN:*

Vod's first action aboard the tardis is to threaten capaldidoctor with a pistol

Ok, this could be viewed as a bad start, but

Let's consider the mitigating circumstances:

Vod was recently attacked by Daleks

Vod was recently exploded by Daleks

Vod's brother was recently exploded by Daleks

Daleks can assimilate people now, because insert reasons.

Vod was last seen being exploded near Dalek ship

So it is not unreasonable for Vod to

A- be suprised at not being dead

B-be suspicious that she might be inside a dalek ship

C-be suspicious that the doctor,

A WEIRD GUY THAT SHE'S NEVER SEEN BEFORE

might be a humo-dalek-thing.

Also, Vod backs down after a particularly unnessescary 'lightswitch' line

Proving that she has both

RESPECT FOR DOCTOR

and

COMMON SENCE

and

NOT JUST A MINDLESS GUNWEILDER

This point is reproven in the very excellent scene which I mentioned already

in which the doctor's responce to Dalek attack! is

'oh no'

and look a bit mopey and grumble about daleks

and clara's responce to Dalek attack! is

*slap doctor*

and zawe's responce to Dalek attack! is

1 - radio to establish situation

2 - shout at the doctor

3 - offer to blow up dalek

PRODUCTIVITY: 8/10

PRAGMATISM 10/10

There is also the point at which

(checks name)

Gretchen sacrifices herself

and Vod is at least 400% more upset than either capalditor

or claralara

demonstrating COMPASSION

there then follows the scene where she shoots a lot of the dalek antibodies

demonstrating

uhm

GUN SKILLS

OK

WE THEN REACH THE POINT OF REJECTION

ALLOW ME TO RECAP THE REASON GIVEN

FOR ANY OF THE READERS WHO ARE PREDISPOSED

TO NOT REMEMBERING BULLSHIT

WAS "YOU'RE NICE AND ALL"

"JUST A BIT TOO SHOOTY SHOOTY KILLY FOR MY LIKING"

THIS

*THIS*

FROM THE MAN WHO BROUGHT ALONG RIVER SONG

FROM THE MAN WHO BROUGHT ALONG JACK SPARROW

(harkness)

TO THE WOMAN WHO

*THROUGHOUT* THIS EPISODE

HAS BEEN CONISTENTLY MORE COMPASSIONATE

THAN CAPALDITOR

HAS BEEN ARGUABLY LESS OR EQUALLY VIOLENT AND DESTRUCTIVE

AND CRUCIALLY

HAS APPLIED HER SHOOTY SHOOTY KILLY-NESS

WITH APPROPRIATE DISGRESSION

AND IN A *FRANKLY* MORE USEFUL MANNER

THAN A CERTAIN TIMELORD HAS BEEN

IN SOME SITUATIONS.

So, we know this is ridiculous

now that we know it is ridiculous,

let us ask why?

Why, Moffat?

Why did you torment us like this?

If we are not going to add an extra companion for the rest of the series

Which I can appreciate

Is something that will need to be planned ahead for

Why did we even bother having this scene?

Why torment us, moffatt?

Well, once again.

The answer lies in that mysterious thing

The physcology of steven moffat

My theory for today:

Moffatt, as a writer who

probably doesn't get enough vitamin D

has no understanding of real audience emotion

except for the fanboys and fangirls

here on the internets

who 'squee'

and use words like 'feels'

whenever the show has a Big  Emotional  Moment

(ok SIGNIFICANT pot kettle situation here)

(but let's persevere)

and so to make dw good

tries to load it up with maximum number of said

Big     Emotional     Moments

hence we have this

NONSCENSICAL MOMENT

of extreme emotion

And,

to be fair

it works.

Right in the feels.

So, until next time.

Fuck you, Moffatt,

That is all.